What it feels like to be infertile

I've written a lot about being infertile over the years, both when I was experiencing infertility for the first time, and now that we're going through it for a second time. For the first three years I battled infertility with my ex-husband I primarily kept quiet about it, except to a handful of friends who I knew were also going through it. Infertility was, and sometimes still is, seen as an extremely taboo subject to talk about openly with people. It's almost impossible for people to understand unless they've experienced it themselves, which I think leads lots of people to feel uncomfortable talking about it. Unfortunately that's never going to change unless more people talk about it.

Going through infertility is extremely isolating and emotionally arduous. Trying to deal with that behind closed doors while keeping a smile on your face in public is exhausting. Having to act like you're fine when you really want to break down in a corner and cry is challenging, but I did it for years. When T and I started fertility treatment back in 2012 I decided that I wasn't going to keep it hidden anymore. I didn't shout it from the rooftops, but I did start opening up about it here on the blog, and eventually in conversations with friends.

I think its important that we talk about our experiences with infertility. Yes people won't like it and people won't know how to react, but over time {probably a long period of time} people will become more educated and more accepting. Above all that, its important for those of us experiencing infertility to feel like we have a right to express our feelings. So with that in mind I thought I'd try to explain what it feels like to be infertile {for me at least}.

It took me almost 4 years to conceive my daughter {I tried to conceive for 3yrs with my ex-husband and almost a year with T} and we've been trying to conceive again for just under a year now. Unfortunately it's not working again so I have sat with these emotions and feelings again on an almost daily basis for months now. Sometimes I hide them under a smile and other times I let it all out and break down {but only when I'm by myself}. This is what it feels like to be infertile.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE INFERTILE

I feel like a failure. I'm broken on the inside, but nobody can see it.

I hate my body. My body doesn't do what its supposed to be able to do, I feel like I'm not a real woman, even though I am. I want to love my body, but some days I just can't.

My body is no longer my own. It now also belongs to a team of doctors who are trying to reach the same end goal as me. Unfortunately being a female that means numerous people have had their hands, ultrasound wands and other medical instruments inside my who-ha. There's no time to be embarrassed, I had to get over that years ago.

Trying for a baby is not fun. Everyone thinks we just get to have sex a lot and on the surface I agree that does sound like fun, but its not. There are no spontaneous, romantic liaisons going on around here. There is systematic, meticulously timed and often medically aided baby making. Making a baby is no longer a case of do it and cross your fingers, it becomes a very scientific process. After a while its not fun.

It's like being stuck in a tunnel. I have tunnel vision and it's hard to see anything except the goal at the end of the tunnel. Yet it seems so far away. Infertility sometimes impedes my ability to see the good going on around me. Some days all I can see, feel and think about is what I don't have, but desperately want. It can be emotionally debilitating, but I am dealing with it a lot better the second time around.

Infertility causes jealousy and resentment. Yes it's true, when I see a pregnancy announcement I usually get upset {for a little while}. I'm not angry or annoyed at the person who is pregnant, it just reminds me that others are moving on and achieving the dream that I haven't yet, and that hurts my heart a little. I'm happy for them, but sad for me, but in time that feeling passes and I can celebrate and get excited with them.

I'm obsessed with babies. Despite the initial hurt a pregnancy announcement can cause, babies set my ovaries on fire and light up my world. I adore babies and could cuddle your baby all day long. In fact I would babysit your baby whenever you wanted me to. Seriously.

In the end infertility ruined my pregnancy. When I finally got pregnant the first time I was too scared to get excited and feel happy. I kept thinking something was going to go wrong and I would lose the baby. Infertility, and knowing all the things that could go wrong, robbed me of the joy of pregnancy. However, if we get pregnant again, I'm determined to try and enjoy and celebrate that pregnancy a lot more.

I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

It can be an extremely emotional rollercoaster, and occasionally we may lash out, withdraw or breakdown. Unfortunately that is par for the course with the journey we're on. If someone you know shares with you that they're experiencing infertility problems please don't dismiss it or tell them to relax, it's taken a lot of courage for them to let down their walls and let you in. Please just continue to love them and support them and appreciate the fact that they value your friendship enough to let you into their private world.

Toni x