Photo | Katharine Maree Photography
When I was younger I don't remember my parents saying I love you to each other that often if at all. They were always busy with work and we were back and forth from babysitters so much that I hardly ever saw them together. I never really witnessed them fight, but I didn't really see them be affectionate towards each other either. In part I think this set me up to choose my ex-husband and the dysfunctional relationship we had.
My relationship with T is a lot better and very affectionate. We say I love you all the time and we hug a lot. I have always had a strong desire to create a family where my children would grow up knowing that their parents love each other. I think its important for children to see a man treat their mother right. This is most probably because I grew up without that and I know the mistakes that I have made because of it.
I want bub (and any other children we have) to grow up having very involved parents. Affectionate parents, loving parents and an engaged father. A girls first love is her father and its important for him to create a good solid image of how a man should act because this is who she is going to judge all other men against in the future. I want her to learn that a man should treat a woman like a queen. He should help her, support her, love her and celebrate her. I want her to grow up and seek out those qualities in the men she wants to have relationships with later on. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I first made.
Thankfully I had a second chance and got my life in order before I created my family. She has a wonderful father who loves her mother very much. I hope that together we can give her a solid foundation in life.
The greatest gift a man can give his daughter is to love her mother.
Toni x
Such true words. You are so lucky that you found the love of your life to have children with, I stupidly rushed in and my daughter has to suffer from that bad decision. My husband and I are very affectionate. Our 17 year old said recently "You guys have a really good relationship!"
ReplyDeleteThanks Eleise! I feel very lucky indeed and even more blessed because I struggled with infertility.
DeleteIt must be so wonderful to hear that from your own child. Glad you found your own second chance to have a good relationship.
Excellent post and so very true. Your daughter will enjoy reading it when she is older too!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jody. I hope she does read my blog one day.
DeleteWhat a beautiful post Toni. It is good for children to grow up knowing what real love and affection is all about. I'm sure you both will do your best to make sure your child is fully aware of what abusive, dysfunctional relationships are all about especially since you've been through it yourself. And it helps when she can see a loving family relationship herself.
ReplyDeleteOh yes I will do my best to make sure she doesn't have to experience an abusive or dysfunctional relationship. In some ways it may make me a bit over protective on that front because I'm so hyper sensitive to the warning signs now. It will be a fine balance between letting her live her own life and still trying to protect her at the same time. I'm sure every parent experiences that to some degree though.
DeleteI love this post. It is so true, and it is something I fear we are losing in our western culture, but it is so important!
ReplyDeleteThanks Robyn! I agree it does seem to be getting lost in a lot of families. Probably because we are all so busy and stressed and tired all the time. I think its really important though.
DeleteMy parents weren't outwardly affectionate toward one another, either, but I always knew they loved each other. Neither my husband nor I are very clingy in public, mostly because he is very shy and introverted. We are extremely physically attracted to one another, just not into PDA. I'm very outwardly affectionate with my sons, and they're the same way with their girlfriends. I think individuals have many ways of expressing warmth and affection for one another.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into pda either and I agree individuals do have many different ways of expressing affection. I think its important for people to find what they are comfortable with.
DeleteI absolutely agree. My parents weren't really affectionate and my Dad was gone most of the time traveling for work. I'd like to show my girls something different.
ReplyDelete#teamIBOT was here!
My thoughts exactly Kylie.
DeleteI completely agree Toni - I do find it gets harder to remember this the more kids you have!! With 3 kids, who at one stage all under 3.5 years - my hubby and I got so busy just parenting we forgot to be affectionate in front of kids, but we're getting better as life gets easier! :)
ReplyDeleteIm sure it would be a lot harder with more kids. One of the reasons I wrote this post is to make sure I keep remembering to do it later on.
DeleteTimes are changing quickly but I remember we were part of a stiff, orthodox society when a kid. Yet, although not explicitly expressed, my father's love for my mother was exceptional, almost to the point of an obsession. I agree with each of those words and the sentiments they pack.
ReplyDeleteI think in previous generations (especially my grandparents) there was a general rule that affection wasn't really shown. I'm glad there has been a shift away from this in later generations.
DeleteI completely agree. I find that if we have been busy, and the kids haven't seen Boatman and I being affectionate (cause they are in bed or whatever), they start to act differently. There is a huge amount of security in seeing your parents love each other, and knowing that your world is not about to implode
ReplyDeleteYes definitely important for security.
DeleteYep. So important for giving children safety and security.
ReplyDeleteI agree Caitlin. Something I missed in my childhood.
Deletethis is just beautiful and so true. I'm glad to know your child is growing up in such a loving home too :)
ReplyDeleteAi @ Sakura Haruka
Thankyou!
DeleteI love this. And you are so right. Your little lady is lucky to be growing up in such a loving environment - what a gift!
ReplyDeleteThanks Bec
DeleteBeautiful words, Toni. My parents were not affectionate toward each other whatsoever. My husband and I are the opposite. My little girl loves seeing my husband and I being affectionate. She even comes in for a cuddle too. Awww bless :)
ReplyDeleteYep I hope to create the same thing for Hayley. We already have family hugs now (not that she realises what's going on yet).
DeleteI can relate to your experience growing up, my parents had (and have) a mostly happy marriage but while Dad is quite affectionate, Mum is an intensely private person and we rarely saw them show each other physical affection. My own hubby is also very restrained, but I often catch him offguard ;)
ReplyDeleteGood to hear you can catch him offguard Emma! :)
DeleteMy family was similar, my parents were rarely affectionate with each other... and even with us. I don't remember my parents telling me they loved me, I don't remember being showered with the abundance of cuddles I have for my own children... not that they didn't love us, but they were brought up differently. Just like you, I've chosen to be more affectionate in my own family. Partly because I want my children to experience childhood differently. Mostly because this is how I want to be and it brings me joy.
ReplyDeleteI had the same thing as well. I don't remember them saying they loved me and I cant remember being hugged a lot. I'm sure it did happen on occasion, but obviously not enough for me to remember it. The good thing that came out of it though is that it made me really determined to give my children a different upbringing.
DeleteAmen to this. I saw my dad being affectionate to my mum on a regular basis and it really helps to centre you in family love.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you got to experience this Emily
DeleteLove this post. My kids love it when they see my husband and I being affectionate. I think it helps build their confidence in knowing that there's so much love surrounding them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it would Grace :)
DeleteThis is so very true. Although I don't have a daughter, I want to do the same for my son. I think it's also important to have Mummy and Daddy time away from the children every now and then because this is a very important part of sustaining a strong, affectionate relationship amongst the stresses of work and other responsibilities.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a wonderful post and a good reminder.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice post. Absolutely agree with you. Child that sees its parents love and cherish each other becomes confident and trusts them more. I believe there should be warmness in family, many hugs and kisses, saying I love yous and supporting one another in every way.
ReplyDeleteOur time's problem is exactly that people might look nice or treat others politely, but very often forget about own families.
Your beautiful baby will be very happy I'm sure.
P.S. Just found your blog via your comment on other blog and like how you look at life.
Hi Sophie,
DeleteThankyou! Yes I think we are often so concerned about others that we forget about nurturing our own families.
Even now my Mum is always the first to stop hugging. I think it was their generation. It's very true that children benefit from seeing affection between their parents. Even though they might say "Yuuuuck" they love it!
ReplyDeleteThats exactly right! :)
DeleteOh boy, what beautiful post...I've always been wanting this too - parents that love each other in front of their children!
ReplyDeleteThanks Judy. I'm trying to be very conscious of it.
DeleteSo very true - showing love means that children will show love. Have you seen that Poem that's called "Walk A Little Slower Daddy" - its all about how our children see us walk and act is how they will walk and act!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so very lucky that your hubby shows you he loves you with saying it, and showing it - your Daughter will grow up looking for a man who will love her :)
I hadn't heard of the poem before Lisa, thanks for letting me know, I will look it up.
DeleteYes I am very lucky I found T x
I totally agree. I used to love my parents show of affection, but I chose the wrong man to father my children. He is not a part of their lives any more - his choice and theirs but my kids would not be who they are without him so I have that to be thankful for. I hope they will learn from my current husband what a loving marriage can be. Lovely post.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad my fertility issues meant I didn't have children with my ex-husband or I would be in the same situation. You have done the best you could with your situation and they will realise and appreciate that x
DeleteThis is a great post. Modelling affection and love to our children is so important because they don't listen to your words, but instead your actions. I always make sure to tell Mr 4 that I love him, and give him love when he needs it.
ReplyDeleteToo true Tegan, actions speak louder than words.
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